But my first order called for no more than two and no less than two to leave the car at any time, and one must be armed-the other rifle and pistol must guard Gay.
I blurted out that order when the truth landed on me like a load of bricks that I, the runt who had never grown up, was now responsible for the lives of four people. At the time my orders seemed not only logical but necessary and feasible: Jacob would guard me, Zebbie would guard Deety, our men would guard each other.
There was a flaw. I did not realize that my edict required: a) one rifleman always to be at the car; b) both men to be away from the car from time to time.
Since this is not possible I amended it: When the men had to answer calls of nature, we women would lock ourselves in. I didn't know that this planet had anything more dangerous than Alice's Bread-and-Butter Fly. But that was the point: I didn't know and until I did, I must assume that something as dangerous as a tiger lurked behind every bush.
Heavens! the bush might be carnivorous.
I was learning, with breath-snatching speed, something that most people never learn: A commanding officer's "unlimited" authority isn't freedom; it's a straitjacket. She can't do as she pleases; she never can-because every minute, awake and asleep, she must protect those under her command.
She can't take any avoidable risk herself; her life does not belong to her; it belongs to her command.
When the captaincy was thrust on me, I decided that we would stay where we were until Gay Deceiver was reorganized so that all four of us could sleep comfortably and safely-no swollen ankles.
Sharpie hadn't thought of this; Captain Hilda Burroughs thought of it at once. Captain Zebbie had thought of it when we first grounded, then had let himself be overruled.
I knew that I could rearrange the car to let us all sleep behind locked doors. But it would take time, sweat, and muscles, and I had just proclaimed an order that would take one or both sets of big muscles off the job for... how many times a day? Four people? Such needs can't be hurried. I had a horrid suspicion that having someone standing over you with a rifle, even your nearest and dearest, might cause a healthy reflex to fail.
What to do?
Cancel the order?
No!
Cancel if a better scheme turned up. But don't cancel without finding some-
thing better. This was a pretty spot, but there still might be that "banth." Or bandersnatch. Or boojum. Especially a boojum. What if Zebbie should wander off that distance dictated by modesty and/or relaxation of nerves....nd "softly and silently vanish away"?
And it was Zebbie I was having trouble wit h-Zebbie, who wasn't going to give the new captain any back talk whatsoever. "Cap'n Hilda honey, I don't need a chaperon, honest. I'll carry my rifle and guard myself. No problem. Safety off and a cartridge under the firing pin. Promise."
"Zebbie, I am not asking you, I am telling you."
"But I don't like to leave you girls unguarded!"
"Chief Pilot."
"Ma'am. Captain."
"I am not a girl. I am eleven years your senior."
"I simply meant-"
"Pipe down!"
The poor dear's ears turned red but he shut up. I said, "Astrogator!"
"Huh? Yes, Captain Auntie."
"Can you use a rifle?"
"Oh, sure, Pop made me learn. But I don't like a rifle; I like my shotgun." "Take the Chief Pilot's rifle and guard the camp-"
"Look, I can do it better with my shotgun."
"Pipe down and carry out your orders."
Deety looked startled, trotted over to Zebbie, who surrendered his rifle without comment, face frozen. "Copilot," I said to my husband, "arm yourself with rifle and pistol, go with the Chief Pilot, guard him while he does what he has to do."
Zebbie swallowed. "Sharpie-I mean 'Captain Sharpie.' It won't be necessary. The golden moment has passed. All this talk."
"Chief Pilot, please refrain from using my nickname while I am your commanding officer. Copilot, carry out your orders. Remain with the Chief Pilot and guard him continuously as long as necessary to accomplish the purpose of the trip." (If Zebbie meant "constipation"-an emotional to-do can have that effect-I would act later in my capacity as "medical officer"-and it would not take four husky orderlies to make Zebbie hold still. The authority of a commanding officer almost never requires force. Odd but true-I wondered how I knew that.)
Once our men were out of earshot, I said, "Deety, could I learn to shoot that rifle?"
"I'm not sure I'm speaking to you. You humiliated my husband... when we all owe him so much."
"Astrogator!"
Deety's eyes got wide. "Good God-it's gone to your head!"
"Astrogator."
"Uh... yes, Captain."
"You will refrain from personal remarks to me or about me during my
tenure as commanding officer. Acknowledge that order, then log it."
Deety's face assumed the expression that means that she has shut out the world. "Aye aye, Captain. Gay Deceiver!"
"Hello, Deety!"
"Log mode. The Captain has ordered the Astrogator to refrain from personal remarks to her or about her during her tenure as commanding officer. I acknowledge receipt of order and will comply. Log date, time, and Bingo code. I tell you three times."
"Deety, I hear you three times."
"Back to sleep, Gay."
"Roger and out."
Deety turned to me, face and voice normal again. "Captain, I can teach you to shoot in such a way that you won't get a sore shoulder or be knocked down. But to become a good shot with a rifle takes a long time. My shotgun doesn't kick as hard... and you won't need skill."
"I thought a shotgun was more difficult."
"Depends. A shotgun is usually for surprise targets in the air. That takes skill. But for a stationary target-within range-it's about like a garden hose. The shot spreads in a cone. So easy that it's not sporting."
"Not sporting' suits me. Will you show me how? What kind of target do we need?"
"It ought to be a large sheet of paper to show how the shot spreads. But, Captain, you know what will happen if I fire a gun?"
"What?"
"We will have two men back here at a dead run-one of them trying to dress as he runs. I don't think he'll be pleased."
"Meaning I shouldn't get Zebbie angry twice in ten minutes."
"It might be your husband. Stands to reason that they'll both take care of needs before returning. If I fire a shot, I'd better have a dead body to show for it, or one or the other will blow his top. Or both."
"Both! Thanks, Deety-I didn't think it through."
"But also, the Captain will recall that she ordered me to guard camp. I can't teach shooting at the same time."
(Sharpie, can't you do anything right?) "No, of course you can't! Deety, I'm off to a bad start. All of you annoyed at me and one, maybe two, really angry."
"Does the Captain expect me to comment?"
"Deety, can't you call me 'Aunt flilda'?" I wasn't crying-I've trained myself not to. But I needed to. "Yes, I want your comment."
"Captain Aunt Hilda, I need to call you by your title to keep myself reminded that you are captain. Since you ordered me to refrain from personal remarks to you or about you, I needed a second order before I could comment."
"As bad as that? Don't spare me but make it quick."
"The Captain hasn't done badly."
"I haven't? Deety, don't fib to Hilda; you never used to."
"And I'm not going to now. Captain, I think you are off to a good start."
"But you said it had gone to my head!"
"I was wrong. I realized how wrong when I was logging your order to me. What I said was worse than anything I said to Zebadiah while he was captain- he required me to review in my mind all the things I've said... and at least twice he should have given me a fat lip"-Deety smiled grimly-"cept that Zebadiah couldn't bring himself to strike a woman even if she weren't pregnant. Captain-Captain Aunt Hilda honey-Zebadiah didn't crack down on us when he should have. He turned over to you a gang of rugged individualists, not one with any concept of discipline. I certainly had none. But I do now."
"I'm not sure that I do," I said miserably.
"It means obeying orders you don't like and strongly disagree with-with no back talk. 'Into the jaws of death rode the six hundred.' Zebadiah would not do that to us... but he did let us annoy him into testing my new Bug-Out program. He had told me that the test was a useless risk; I should have agreed because it was useless. Instead I gave him a snooty 'No comment,' and you were as bad and Pop was worse. Mmm.... don't think Zebadiah has had much experience as a commanding officer."
"Why so, Deety? He is a captain."
"That doesn't mean that he has ever been a commanding officer. He has soloed quite a lot, in fighters. He has logged control time in larger craft or he wouldn't hold a command pilot rating. But has he ever actually commanded? Nothing he has said to me indicated it... but he did tell me that before the last war a major was often captain of an air-and-space craft but now it almost always took a lieutenant colonel while majors wound up as copilots. He was explaining why he liked one-man fighters so well. Aunt Hilda-Captain-I think commanding was as new to Zebadiah as it is to you. Like sex, or having a baby, you can't understand it till you've tried it." She suddenly grinned. "So don't hold Zebadiah's mistakes against him."
"What mistakes? He's saved our lives again and again. I don't blame him- now-for wanting a rest from commanding. Deety, it's the hardest work possible even if you don't lift a finger. I never suspected it. I don't expect to sleep a wink tonight."
"We'll guard you!"
"Yes, we will!"
"Pipe down."
"Sorry, Ma'am."
"What mistakes did Zebbie make?"
"Well... he didn't crack down. You wasted no time in letting us know who is boss. You didn't let us argue; you slapped us down at once. I hate to say this but I think you have more talent for command than Zebadiah has."
"Deety, that's silly!"
"Is it? Napoleon wasn't tall."
"So I have a Napoleonic complex. Humph!"
"Captain, I'm going to ignore that because, under that order you made me log, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't."
"Well... I know how not to get a Napoleonic complex. Deety, you're my second-in-command."
"But Pop is second-in-command."
"Wrong tense. 'Was'-he is no longer. As astrogator you may have inherited it anyhow; you can ask Zebbie-but in private; my decision is not subject to debate. Simply acknowledge it."
"I- Aye aye, Captain."
"You are now required to advise me whenever you think that I am about to make a serious mistake. You are also required to advise me on request."
"My advice isn't worth much. Look how I goofed a few minutes ago."
"That was before you were appointed second-in-command. Deety, actually holding an office makes a big difference."
Deety blinked and looked solemn, then said soberly, "Yes, I think it does. Yes, it does. I feel it, I do! Weird."
"Wait till you're captain. Eight times as weird,"
"Never. Pop wouldn't go for it, Zebadiah wouldn't, I won't-that's three votes."
"I said No right up to the point where I could not avoid it. Don't worry about it now. I'll boss and you'll advise me."
"In that case, Captain, I advise you to reconsider letting us guard you. After we eat and start scouting again, I advise that, even if we find the British quickly, instead of making contact, we should find a spot as deserted as this at the sunrise line and get a long day's sleep. We crew can get eight hours- I'll take the middle watch; the men can get eight hours solid each... and the Captain can get anything up to twelve."
"Advice noted. It's good advice. But that's not the program; we're going to sleep here." I told Deety what I had in mind. "When the car is restowed, we'll eat. If there is daylight left, we'll bathe before we eat. Otherwise in the morning."
"I'd rather hurry through eating and get a bath... since you tell me I'm going to be able to sleep with my husband. When I'm frightened I stink worse... and I've been much more scared than I've tried to let on."
"Into cold water after eating? Deety, you know better."
"Oh. I'll skip eating, if necessary, to bathe."
"Astrogator, we'll do it my way."
"Yes, Captain. But I stink, I do."
"We'll all stink by the time we restow this car and may wind up eating sandwiches in the dark because everything that we don't throw away is going to be inside with us and Gay locked and not a light showing by sundown." I cocked my head. "Hear something, Deety?"
Our men came back looking cheerful, with Zebbie carrying Jacob's rifle and wearing Jacob's pistol. Zebbie gave me a big grin. "Cap'n, there wasn't a durn thing wrong with me that Carter's Little Liver Pills couldn't have fixed. Now I'm right."
"Good."
"But just barely," agreed my husband. "Hilda-Captain Hilda my beloved- your complex schedule almost caused me to have a childish accident."
"I think that unnecessary discussion wasted more time than did my schedule. As may be, Jacob, I would rather have to clean up a 'childish accident' than have to bury you."
"But-"
"Drop the matter!"
"Pop, you had better believe it!" sang out Deety.
Jacob looked startled (and hurt, and I felt the hurt). Zebbie looked sharply at me, no longer grinning. He said nothing, went to Deety, reached for his rifle. "I'll take that, hon."
Deety held it away from him. "The Captain has not relieved me."
"Oh. Okay, we'll do it by the book." Zebbie looked at me. "Captain, I thoroughly approve of your doctrine of a continuous guard; I was too slack. It was my intention to relieve the watch. I volunteer to stand guard while you three eat-"
"-then I'll guard while Zeb eats," added Jacob. "We already worked it out. When do we eat? I could eat an ostrich with the feathers left on." He added, "Hilda my love, you're captain... but you're still cook, aren't you? Or is Deety the cook?"
(Decisions! How does the captain of a big ship cope?) "I've made changes. Deety remains astrogator but is now second-in-command and my executive officer. In my absence she commands. When I'm present, Deety's orders are my orders; she will be giving them to implement what I want done. Neither she nor I will cook. Uh, medical officer-" (Damn it, Sharpie, all those hours in the emergency room make you the only candidate. Or does it? Mmm-) "Zebbie, does 'command pilot' include paramedical training?"
"Yes. Pretty sketchy. What to do to keep the bloke alive until the surgeon sees him."
"You're medical officer. I am assistant medical officer when you need me- if I don't have something else that must be done."
"Captain, may I put in a word?"
"Please do, Chief Pilot."
"Sometimes you have to let the bloke die because there is something else that has to be done." Zebbie looked bleak. "Saw it happen. Does no good to worry ahead of time or grieve about it afterwards. You do what you must."
"So I am learning, Zebbie. Cook- Gentlemen, I've never eaten your cooking. You must assess yourselves. Which one of you is 'adequate'-"
"Ouch."
"Your wording, Zebbie. -and which one is inadequate?"
They backed and filled and deferred to each other, so I put a stop to it. "You will alternate as first and second cook until evidence shows that one is chief cook and the other assistant. Jacob, today you are first cook-"
"Good! I'll get busy at once!"
"No, Jacob." I explained what we were going to do. "While you two get